Crouching in paradise


The Scourge, currently in Paris, thought he was just doing a re-post of an earlier blog for this week’s entry, but a quick look at the New York Times revealed the holy truth to him in all its shimmering, pink-frosted, bouffant glory.

Jan Crouch of the Trinity Broadcasting Network has met her maker.

Crouch and her husband, Paul, founded the network in 1973, and it now claims to be the most-watched Christian television network in the world, providing 24 non-stop hours of shlock music, workaday biblical interpretations and weepy matrons. The Crouches linked holiness with material prosperity and, at least from their perspective, this predatory approach worked out. They enjoyed private jets, his-and-hers mansions in Newport Beach, Calif., and long stays in luxury hotels (a treat for her two Maltese dogs who usually stayed in their own trailer…and we’re not talking park, people).

But alas, all was not well in the Kingdom of Crouch. Jan’s husband Paul paid hush-hush money to a male employee who said he’d had a sexual affair with Paul. Granddaughter Carra Crouch reported being raped by a TBN employee which enraged Jan, who blamed the young lady for the attack. A classy lady, that granny. Another granddaughter filed a suit against TBN saying that the company misused donated funds.

But the money kept rolling in. TBN’s parent company listed just shy of $800 million in assets and received almost $55 million in contributions and grants in 2014. The Scourge can only surmise that the Crouch’s supporters were homeschooled, because anyone with a public education should realize the math was faulty. During the couple’s twice yearly “Praise-a-thons,” they tearily begged for money to keep their programs on the air; meanwhile, their audiences probably struggled to pay the cable bill.

Yet are we to castigate the Crouches alone for their behavior? They just had the American gumption to capitalize on the masses’ stupidity. (The same masses who will vote for Donald Trump, another charlatan with hair that disconcertingly resembles cotton candy.) Shouldn’t we also lay the blame on those who walked into the trap? Some people are victims. Most are stupid.

Any religion that denigrates critical thinking is fertile ground for chicanery, and the sad truth is that sheeple are too god damned lazy to crawl out of their Walmart recliners and expand their intellectual horizons. Do your homework. Check the facts. Ask questions. Everyone wants to believe that there’s a simple answer for life’s difficult quandries, but simple answers are for simpletons – the bread-and-butter of any religious establishment’s coffers.

If praying for money worked, we’d all be rich. Pray for intelligence instead – it will get you a lot farther.

Until next Sunday…the heretic’s day.

In other news of the faithful:

An investigation into the beating death of a Muslim man in India has revealed that he did, indeed, have cow meat in his home…which means, according to one conservative Hindu lawmaker, that any state help the victim’s family received should be taken back. The Scourge urges everyone to take pictures of themselves eating steak and send it to the Bharatiya Janata Party’s e-mail address,

From the pig-ignorant news desk comes Texas House Rep Louie Gohmert (a Republican, if you can believe it) who said on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives that if an asteroid were to hit the earth, the country should be wary of sending same-sex couples into space to colonize another planet, because they don’t have heterosexual relations. The Scourge thinks that along with the gays, Gohmert should definitely be left behind. No need to weaken the gene pool with catastrophic stupidity.

Finally, a Christian rock superstar, Trey Pearson, came out as gay this past week, a decision that could jeopardize his standing with his audiences. After decades of struggle, he’s overcome his childhood indoctrination into a life-phobic Christian denomination and decided to embrace who he is. Here’s to losing our religion!


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